A woman’s self-esteem has bottomed out after something her partner told her about her appearance.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, the weekly news.com.au column that solves all your romantic issues without any restrictions.
This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie faces a woman whose partner no longer finds her attractive because she has gained weight during Covid.
QUESTION: I gained some weight during the Covid and am still struggling to lose it. I’m trying to get back in shape and my partner is supporting me to help me change weight. The problem is that we have stopped having sex and she says she no longer finds me attractive. He jokes that he married a skinny model and now I’m a big heifer. I don’t know what to do because my self-esteem is at the bottom. If I lose weight, will she want sex with me again? I worry about him going somewhere else.
ANSWER: You are not alone in gaining weight with Covid. It has been a difficult couple of years for many people and weight gain has not been uncommon. Losing weight is often harder than many people imagine.
I wish we lived in a culture that accepted more of a variety of body shapes, but I am very aware of the pressure and judgment many of us feel around weight. I’m sorry (but I’m not surprised) that this affects your self-esteem.
Helping women feel more comfortable and secure with their bodies, regardless of their shape, size, or age is part of my job as a sexologist, but here I want to focus on your relationship.
I am deeply concerned about the role your partner plays in your plummeting self-esteem. I am also concerned about the long-term viability of your relationship, due to its focus on appearance, the way it communicates with you, and the fact that it worries you to cheat on your appearance.
Honestly, I’m still in a state of shock to hear your partner describe you as a “heifer”. Even if that’s not the exact word he used, and even if it’s used in jest, it’s worrisome.
It would be easy for me to criticize your partner about how he talks to you and tell you that you deserve better, but I know that relationships (and decisions about whether to leave them or not) are not that simple.
There are so many things about the dynamic between you and your partner that I don’t know about here. I am also aware that there is something inside you that allows you to accept that someone is talking to you like your partner does and the beliefs you have that affect what you think you can offer in a relationship.
Is appearance important in a relationship?
I can’t deny that appearance (including weight) is important to some people in relationships. As much as I wish weight wasn’t an issue of attraction, I know that in some cases it is.
While it’s possible to still be very attracted to a couple even with changes in appearance, I won’t judge your partner by how excited they are.
Your partner can’t control whether he or she is attracted to you or not, but he or she can control how he or she tells you about it and whether or not he or she decides to have sex with someone else.
Is it okay for your partner to comment negatively on your appearance?
I’m concerned about the role your partner’s criticisms play in your self-esteem. Your partner should always help you feel loved, safe, and fully accepted. It’s not okay to make comments that lower your self-esteem.
Talking negatively about your appearance is tantamount to criticism, which is a proven style of communication that erodes relationships over time.
Relationships should be based more than attraction
I am concerned about your long-term relationship as a result of your partner’s lack of attraction. Your body (and yours!) Will continue to change throughout your life. Whether it’s weight gain, dropped bits, wrinkles or thin hair, you won’t be a “thin model” forever. No one is.
I hope that as you age and change, you can adjust your view of what is attractive. Whoever you end up with should always make you feel loved and like the most beautiful woman in the room.
You deserve to feel safe and loved
I am aware that your partner may not be about to cheat on your appearance. But the fact that you have this in your head indicates that there is a lack of stability and security in your relationship.
I suspect the way he communicates with you is contributing to this. General opinions about the relationships you both have can also contribute here.
I would love to see you feel confident in yourself and the strength of the relationship you are in, no matter how you look. It can help you talk to a therapist who can support you with your confidence and help you create a healthier relationship with your partner.
Isiah McKimmie is a couple therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and teacher. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more tips on relationships, sex and intimacy.
Read related topics: Isiah McKimmie Relationship Tips