“In our country, vulnerable conversations are careful and nuanced, made up of friendly looks and ice-breaking jokes and blows to the shoulder. And it’s great. “
Before I go any further, let me clarify something. This will not be a kind of fine stab at female friendships. While I think the “pick me girl” complex is inherently anti-feminist (a story for another time), I understand the sentiment. It can be hard to hear how women sink under the weight of their own internalized misogyny, but that is not the story.
After moving to Melbourne from Queensland six years ago, I’ve experienced the full spectrum of shared life: the pocket-sized, large bedroom, the spectacularly disgusting first “real place”, the uniform apartment in a residential suburb and the ephemeral townhouse. which is full of security hazards and never has an attached lease.
Interested in finding out how others are navigating the world? Go to ours Life section.
Each site had its own set of peaks and traps (some ditches rather than peaks) and was important in shaping those years of training young adults. Living with someone can be very intimate, and I think I learned a lot from watching others manage the logistics of their own lives.
I’ve always lived mostly with women, with the exception of a particularly close friend. So when the opportunity arose to live with three men, I thought it would be a valuable experience to add to my mental memory blog of shared memories. Granted, I was a little nervous (I only knew one of the three boys well), but I made a quick decision and moved my many, many boxes in a month.
During the first week, I began to examine my own comfort in platonic friendships of the opposite sex. As I spent more time at home, I realized that there was a subconscious barrier that had never existed around my friends. It was the deep-rooted instinct of being very nice, restrained, and harmless.
Without even realizing it, I was stopping to watch the embarrassing reality TV in the living room and I shamelessly ate junk food in my mouth (two of my favorite things). Yes, this is a natural phenomenon in the early stages of a new roommate relationship, but this time it felt more acute.
I learned that an uninhibited Platonic relationship can be a beautiful thing. I imitated my housemates and began to let go of insecurities, enjoying the indiscriminate happiness that is shared life. And even though I had been taught that men had no emotional depth, it quickly turned out to be wrong.
No, it’s not the same as the fragility I’ve experienced with my friends. But in the moments when a member of the house was looking for advice or reassurance, there is always time to deliberate around the table in our living room. Dinner is often served who may be bothered to walk down the road to the grocery store, with meals together on a whim (pesto pasta with extra cheese, burritos with extra sour cream).
In our country, vulnerable conversations are careful and nuanced, made up of friendly looks and ice-breaking jokes and blows to the shoulder. And it’s great. I’ve learned that many times, in fact, I can use half the words when I speak and still say the same thing. Actions are important and not every thought that comes from the rooftops needs to be called out. Maybe this experience will make me more mysterious?
I’ve also learned that throwing caution in the wind is sometimes a lot of fun, generosity is important and men also appreciate luxury skin care products. If the men are from Mars, I am decidedly happy to live there for a while. It’s a pretty beautiful planet.
For more information on connecting with male friends, go here.