Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, affectionately known as “Bennifer,” are back together after nearly two decades apart. The actor and singer-actor have made a dramatic return to the headlines that has many people asking the age-old question: should I get back with my ex too?
It’s a question that plagues many people, says Laura F. Dabney, MD, a marriage and relationship psychiatrist based in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
“It’s comforting to know someone already,” says Dr. Dabney, in the face of fear of something new. “And when the attraction is still there, that desire to make it work can be very attractive.”
Also, it can be difficult to grieve the loss of a relationship, says Bonnie Scott, a licensed professional counselor in private practice in San Antonio, Texas. “So if we can slide back into a pattern with an ex, there’s no end to crying. And that’s pretty tempting.”
Psychologists who study sexual nostalgia have found this to be true. A study published in 2020, for example, found that especially when people are not in another relationship or are sexually or emotionally unsatisfied, they are more likely to desire a previous partner. Biology may be at play. Other research suggests that our brain’s reward system is activated when we think about a partner we’re in love with, whether they’re happy or unhappy.
If there’s trust and confidence in a previous partner, working things out with an ex can be very positive, Dabney says. “But if there’s a lot of turmoil, insecurity and lack of trust, it can do the exact opposite.”
How can you decide which situation you are in? Here are seven important questions to ask yourself before getting back with an ex, a la Lopez and Affleck.
1. Are there any major red flags that could threaten you (and your well-being)?
It’s important to be aware of the big red flags that getting back together with an ex might involve, especially those that could put your safety or well-being at risk.
Dabney says some of these red flags include: addictions, serious psychological problems (such as self-harm), legal or financial problems, lack of empathy, and verbal or physical abuse.
Don’t take these red flags lightly. They can cause significant emotional and financial disruption for you, and are often good reasons to end a relationship, Dabney says. “No matter how understanding, patient, or nice you are, these red flag issues require professional help, and even then, they will take a long time to resolve.”
2. Why did you break up in the first place?
Take a minute and reflect. Dabney recommends addressing the big question first: “Why did you break up in the first place?” Then ask for a few follow-ups: Did you not get what you needed or wanted and didn’t express it? Or was the reason you singled out one of the aforementioned red flags?
3. What do you want from a relationship?
Too often, people have trouble naming what they want from a relationship, Dabney says. Many people struggle with feeling like they are not what their partner (former or future) wants and try to fit into a certain mold. In the process, they neglect to consider what will actually make the relationship fulfilling for them. You won’t get the relationship you want unless you can identify the components that are important to you, Dabney adds.
4. Can you talk about it productively?
Talk to them about what you need and want, and ask if that’s something they understand or already knew, says Dabney. And then, from there, listen to what they need and want in the relationship going forward. Are you able to establish a compromise for both parties? Be sure to leave the conversation after you’ve determined that “this is what we’re going to do going forward” so that you both have what you want and need.
5. Are you really prepared to behave differently to make this work? And is the other person willing to do it too?
What will be different if you get back together? Are you willing to make changes, even if they are dramatic or require a lot of effort?
“If we can’t dig into some pain points and evaluate the patterns and behaviors that didn’t work, then we’re going to continue with those patterns, and reconciliation is probably a waste of everyone’s time and emotional energy,” says Scott. If a client can honestly say that yes, we are both ready to be different, then he raises a follow-up question: “How so?” Can you both figure out exactly how you should both behave?
6. What about this relationship is so important to you that it’s worth this kind of work?
If a client can say, “Yes, we’re both ready to be different,” Scott’s next question helps put the whole relationship into perspective: Why is this so important to you? Is this question difficult to answer? Or the answer is simple: you see your future, and maybe even your forever, with this person.
7. What is the motivation to get back together?
Is there a specific reason your ex wants to get back together? It’s important to determine the motivating factors for why your ex wants to get back together, says Dabney. Try to get a sense of whether it is part of a genuine desire to be together or not. Maybe it’s about status, or maybe it’s easier for your ex to come back to you, rather than facing the fear of finding someone new. Both are red flags that the desire to get back together is not genuine.