What I’m about to say, and what Eddie Betts has stated in his book, has been four years in the making.
I’m not too proud or happy to be here, but here we are.
I am here in large part because no one has taken responsibility for what happened and the acceptance that what happened was completely unacceptable.
This is my memory of the camp. I wrote much of what I’m about to read years ago because I knew this day would come.
PRE-CAMP
In mid-to-late 2017, before the Grand Final and obviously the camp, we started role-playing activities, none of which had any kind of substance. Most were things you could laugh about after the sessions. And we often did. The pushing and shoving was stupid and numb, but we are resilient young lads, we can easily brush it off as absurd and nonsensical.
But, you’re desperate to atone for a missed grand final, so you go along with it because you’re asked to, and you want to believe it’s the last hurdle you need to reach premiership glory.
After the Grand Final, during the following pre-season, maybe December 2017, we were told we would have an intensive camp on the Gold Coast.
Before our Christmas break, some of the core group were asked to stay behind after a meeting to decide who would be the 10 players and two coaches who would join the more intense version of the camp.
The sales pitch was a red flag:
“This will be the scariest thing you’ve ever done, but the safest thing you’ve ever done.”
Immediately, we all thought of physical activities, sleep deprivation, hunger, etc.
How I wish it were so.
I resisted a lot…
I remember us coming full circle and accepting the challenge, while a couple of players had to be withdrawn due to injury issues, as well as one player due to a personal trauma he had recently experienced.
Hearing that he was taken out because his personal trauma may be too much for what we were about to endure set off ALARM BELLS inside my head.
I consider myself a matter-of-fact person, a realist, I’ll say it as I see it… to a fault: some may accuse me of being too cold and calculating (my wife would even accuse me sometimes and I thank- her support all the way. She remains devastated and furious at the way our time in Adelaide ended).
BUT I had to be true to myself and true to my teammates.
All of this smelled terrible and I knew in my heart that we were on the wrong path.
But after a Grand Final loss, when I personally had played so poorly, I only had so much leverage.
After about 40 minutes of resistance, I agreed to be part of group 1, partly because I knew there was a month or so left and I had time to work the channels to withdraw.
without joy I couldn’t get out. Group 1 was for me.
As Eddie said in his book… I also had a phone call with the supposed counselor and again expressed my wish that my unusual upbringing would be of no consequence to me as an athlete or fellow d team
I, in a naive attempt to allow these people to get the better of me, explained to this person how I was raised by my non-biological grandmother and have had no meaningful relationship with my parents.
My childhood is a source of shame, pain and pride.
I am proud to be where I am today despite the possible obstacles that came my way as a young person, but I will always have the pain of not having a family to lean on in difficult times or to celebrate with on occasions of celebration.
Even as an adult, the little things can stick with you. I remember the awkwardness I felt when I had no one to invite to the rooms for my presentation of the first jumper. No matter how far you go, some things can always bite you.
I explained that my upbringing had probably led me to be more skeptical and isolated, determined to do things my way.
I also said that I was proud of who I was and that my childhood was in no way relevant to what I was doing as a professional athlete.
I said more than once that I wanted my education not to be used or talked about during or after camp. Something I was promised, but in my opinion, a promise that was broken.
From there, we went to the Costa Daurada.
THE CAMP
Two words that range from annoying to Crows fans to damaging to people.
We arrived at the Gold Coast knowing something big was in store.
The secrecy and lack of information was astounding.
Our welfare manager, who was receiving over 90% approval ratings in AFLPA surveys, was left out of the discussions and planning, as well as everything that happened afterwards.
She fought the good fight for us female players and I will always be grateful.
He no longer works for the Crows or the AFL.
Get all the details about fake guns, sexist men, people in costumes asking to be called Richmond.
None of this phased me.
I was thinking…you guys know I know these AK47s aren’t real, right?
But as we started doing camp activities things went from silly to embarrassing.
We sat under a tree and watched as a man unknown to us went through the harness ritual.
His reasons for wearing the harness are anyone’s guess, but I heard comments thrown his way, including some from him, about bad sexual behavior and women.
Following the ritual of that person’s harness, I stood up from under the tree we were all sitting under, in front of Don Pyke and Heath Younie and said, “We’ve lost a game of footy, we’re all good people , this is rubbish and I think we should all. leave.”
After a heated conversation between me and the camp coordinators, and mostly to honor the greater good, I was persuaded to stay and watch some of my companions go through the ritual first.
The youngest in group 1 was first.
Each player was berated with abuse and physicals so that they were physically and emotionally exhausted.
This is where I am happy to try to explain why some rituals were confronting and some were “nothing to see here” and easily passed over for others.
From my point of view…boys who had had a more “normal” or traditional upbringing with no real trauma or tragedy in their lives had very little to tear apart and goad about other than the general back and forth about be a better teammate and person. .
Those, like me, Eddie, and maybe others, had experienced different things that were rawer when they concentrated, especially when we’d been assured, essentially promised, that nothing like that would come up.
I specifically asked for a guarantee before camp that nothing from my childhood would be brought up or used at camp to stimulate or “break me down.”
I think that promise was broken. And I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive those involved for that.
I’m also not sure that anyone has taken responsibility for what happened and why it was allowed to happen.
When it was my turn to turn on the harness I was fighting three or four fellows who then let go of the rope so that it fell to the ground – this was all at the request of a camp facilitator – I guess it was some type of bush psychologist and during harness rituals, his word was gospel.
Looking back, the “rite of passage” as it was labeled was strange.
There was also a man on a drum that he said played in time with his heartbeat.
At various stages, I was given comments in the harness about how I was brought up and why I act the way I do in the clubhouse and on the field.
Some were from peers who were asked to verbally poke me and some were from camp facilitators who had obviously shared information about me as a person.
I’m choosing not to reveal some of these comments because I know people who care about me are reading…but I can safely say that these comments were sent to the facilitators and I believe some of the information was passed down from people from our club .
I remember some of the barbs thrown at Eddie, and others, and I remember looking at one of our coaches who quickly picked up on my emotions.
Everyone went through the ritual and on the last morning we had a relaxed discussion with the facilitators, which is also when we were told how to talk about what we had done with our peers and family.
I clearly remember the role played in what to say to partners and teammates.
I chatted with one of the facilitators who told me that every now and then he gets voices in his head… I asked how do you make them stop… he said he sits under a tree until the voices stop they stop
He said it took two days to stop, so he sat under a tree for two days.
I only include this information to explain how wrong this whole situation was…how can you allow someone of that nature to control high performance professional athletes?
That’s why it was so strong that the doctor and the wellness director were involved. They would have stopped this and I think the club knew it…hence their lack of commitment.
POST-CAMP
The club completely collapsed.
We swore secrecy even from colleagues in different versions of the group.
A manager and I stood up in a session and demanded to be told what happened and the general manager or football manager (can’t remember who exactly) stood up and said we couldn’t because the club had signed agreements confidentiality on behalf of everyone.
I said, “I didn’t sign a damn thing.”
We continued to do activities like berating our captain for failing us on the bigger stage. Something that made me uncomfortable at the time and still does.
Some things you can’t rule out.
As the rifts became gigantic, parts of the playgroup began to say that they were no longer willing to participate in the leadership program.
On one occasion when we met as a large group (some staff included) the result was to exclude indigenous players from the program.
I stood up and said, and I remember it vividly, because I knew it was the beginning of the end for me as an Adelaide Crow….
“You…