The question I have been with my husband for 40 years. Four weeks ago, I discovered that I had had a 30-year adventure. I picked up her phone thinking it was mine and noticed a text message from an unknown woman. He had been texting, making arrangements, all with affectionate and loving language. When I challenged him, he told me that they had had an adventure that lasted five years about 30 years ago. She said the guilt made her break it, even though she was anxious. He swears he never wanted to leave me. They resumed contact, albeit as a friendship rather than a sexual relationship.
He visits her, but denies that anything physical has happened and insists that neither of us wanted to endanger our marriage. I’m devastated. I’ve seen a face of him that I’ve never met. He’s convinced he was just friends, but the text messages included that he told her he loved her, something he hasn’t told me in years.
Our marriage has not been in physical contact for a long time. I’ve always believed he’s not a physically affectionate person, but even during the raw trauma of the last few weeks, he hasn’t hugged me. I told him I was comforted by the touch, but it seemed impossible.
I think their relationship is a long way from ours. He agrees and apologizes. We are in the early 70’s with children and grandchildren. The idea of ending marriage and stressing our family seems destructive. We’ve agreed to try to fix things, but part of me wonders if I’m crazy about staying with someone who’s been unfaithful, sexually and emotionally, for so long. I’m in shock. Am I being stupid, weak, pathetic? Can couples recover from situations like this?
Answer by Philippa You are not being stupid, weak or pathetic. Yeah Al that sounds pretty crap to me, Looks like BT aint for me either. Sometimes the betrayed couple, in situations like yours, suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, as their emotional well-being has been threatened and their sense of security is compromised. No more talking about being weak. You have had a great shock, your whole world order has been shaken. It’s as if she’s been separated for 30 years: half of him has had an emotional affair with her and the other half defends the image of a loyal family man, but still escapes being fully with you.
It would be hard to draw a line on such an issue without working it all out, and probably with a couple therapist. Think of the point to this shocking revelation as if it were your first marriage. With therapy, you and your husband can build what you can think of as your second marriage.
Ending marriage may not be as destructive as you think
Like the betrayed, you will have to overcome the trauma of the affair and every time you doubted your instinct and sense of reality for the past 30 years. You will need a lot of time for this part of the process, while for your husband it will be something that will not be able to happen fast enough. But it will be important for both of you to stick with it. You could close discussions so that they only occur during counseling and perhaps at other times, so that you don’t get overwhelmed and both have the structure and support for these necessary conversations.
To do your second round in this marriage work, you will both learn new ways of communicating and ways of being together. You will probably need to find new ways to deal with conflicts and ways to build trust.
You both need to be proactive about openness and sharing emotions, including your anger, your desires and thoughts, so that each becomes the significant other of the other, allowing for closeness and warmth. It will take practice. Intimate conversation leads to being on the same page emotionally, which is the basis of warmth and a physical relationship. Your husband will also need work to transfer the important affection he had for her.
It’s important to find a therapist you work with who you trust. You may need to interview more than one person to find the right person. These websites are a starting point: gottmanreferralnetwork.com or tavistockrelationships.org. Recommended book: Healing from Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis.
However, ending a marriage may not be as destructive as you might think. Your children are older and it is usually less corrosive to know the truth than to live with secrets. I hope you learn to trust your instincts, though I’m afraid they’ve worn out what happened. Whatever you decide, I hope you prioritize your own happiness when making your decision.
If you have any questions, please send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk