At times like these, a minister finds out who his friends are. In general, the government bank is full of needy cabinet ministers, desperate to show their support and adoration for Boris Johnson to the prime minister’s questions. But with the Convict out in Madrid at the NATO summit, it was largely a matter of List B. Only Rishi Sunak and Grant Shapps had bothered to make the effort to come to the Commons to make a rare turn in Dominic Raab’s office box. And they were probably just there because they had forgotten that Johnson was gone and they were too polite to head for the exit. So they were stuck.
Raab would probably have lost the PMQs too if he had been given the chance. Because even he now recognizes his own futility. There was a time when a PMQ between the two MPs could have had some advantage. Box office in its own right. An opportunity to shine: to show backbanchers what they were missing.
But not even Dom is stupid enough to imagine that he is screaming for being a conservative leader. He had his chance in 2019 and the Conservatives wisely decided that having a not-so-bright psychopath with anger management issues was not the best aspect for his party.
So Dom has sunk into an almost useless state. He has achieved almost everything he will achieve. And most of that wrong. Now he just has to fill the rest of his life in a state of meaningless activity. File this PMQ as occupational therapy for a minister who has reached the end of his political career at 40 years old. Let’s be honest, the Rwandan panda is the only leader weak enough to give Raab a position in the cabinet. And his Esher and Walton voters can give the next election a coup de grace and vote him out.
Nor are Angela Rayner’s immediate prospects of replacing Keir Starmer much better, no matter how much she or many Labor MPs like her. Rather, his future is closely tied to that of the Labor leader. If Starmer receives a fixed penalty notice, so will he. In this case, both have pledged to resign. And if the police exonerate them, there will be no vacancy for Rayner, as it is very unlikely that Labor will have another leadership competition before the next election.
All of this meant a somewhat understated PMQ. With Starmer and the Convict there is always a personal current. They really don’t like it. But Rayner and Raab can’t bother to worry so much about their opposite numbers. They just rub well. Make a few lumps on each other for the shape, but all in a reasonably selfless way. There are no hard feelings because there should be some feelings in the first place. With them, they are PMQ as pure ritual. Even more bloodless pantomime than usual.
Raab began by explaining that the convict had been outside the heads of government of the Commonwealth, the G7 and NATO. He tried to make it sound like a kind of Brexit bonus instead of the usual activities of any British Prime Minister. Rayner suggested the timing should be perfect for Johnson, as he was desperate to leave the country after two humiliating partial electoral defeats. Was the cabinet taken seriously when it came to supporting Boris until 2030 and beyond? Sunak looked horrified at the prospect.
Dominic Raab winks at Deputy Labor leader Angela Rayner. Photo: House of Commons / PA
Then we fell on a gentle turn. Inevitably, Rayner came out on top. Because she always does. She is much faster than Dom. And he has a sense of humor. We went and we went. First, with Raab trying to think of all the things the Conservatives had done: keep inflation below 10%, increase the overall tax burden, that sort of thing, while insisting that the Conservatives wanted Boris to remain leader longer than that Labor wanted Keir, and with Rayner inviting the Conservatives to call a general election if they felt so invincible. There were no acceptors of this idea in government banks. The next election may not be slow enough.
Go ahead. Raab attacked her for not being able to say what she thought about the rail strikes and for voting against Trident. Most creepy of all, he winked condescendingly and hinted that he had nothing to do with Glyndebourne. Presumably he thinks opera is not for the working classes. Both for the level increase agenda. God knows what Glastonbury Dom thinks, where tickets are much more expensive. Shame that Dom hadn’t bothered to hear the same The Marriage of Figaro. Then he might have realized that these were servants who were seizing Count Almaviva.
Rayner just rolled with his fists. Noting that Dom had once stated that food banks were just lifestyle choices for those with cash shortages. People who had run out of credit card to the fullest with champagne. Or Prince Charles when there was no prince of Qatar to hand over a shopping bag full of tickets. Noting that the same Conservatives who tried to criticize her had just passed a law that prevented Steve Bray from protesting outside Downing Street. And he had just sat on his lounger crying that the sea was closed while Boris prioritized the evacuation of pets from Afghanistan.
But it was all pretty insignificant stuff and no one really noticed when the session was over. Much more significant was the online news that the privileges committee had issued a “broadcast for all people” asking everyone who had information about Johnson to speak out. All respondents would be treated with the utmost confidentiality.
Here was the opportunity for anyone at number 10, or elsewhere, to show up without fear of being ennobled by Johnson or the cabinet secretary to speak. Even a public duty. I’ve even gotten ahead of myself. I can list at least 10 times that Boris has lied to parliamentarians, police and the country without sweating. I don’t want to raise your hopes, but this could be the end of the damned. Fingers crossed.