THEATER OF CHRIST
“It was the night before the 2022-23 Premier League, and Manchester United were already mired in a new crisis, according to reports. Cristiano Ronaldo and new gaffer Erik ten Hag are said to be in the process of coll… injury following the striker’s decision to sit out ahead of last Sunday’s friendly against Rayo Vallecano.As pre-season statements of intent go, this appears to be akin to the unknown forward clearing the wardrobe and book a one-way flight to Spain (or Italy). The insatiable press pack are gearing up for the new top-flight season by gushing over this clash of the titans and whispering references to Ten’s reign I’m in trouble.
So, a reminder: the Premier League campaign is scheduled to end on May 28, 2023. Can any of us seriously expect to put up with another 10 months of this nonsense? Hopefully not: Ronaldo simply has to accept a £350,000-a-week pay cut to sign for Nottingham Forest, who appear to be in vogue this summer. Anyway, is the tanned Portuguese Adonis even Ten Hag’s biggest problem? The Fiver would argue that the continued failure to successfully tempt Barcelona’s Frenkie de Jong to Old Trafford is potentially more serious, as it evokes memories of David Moyes’ unsuccessful quest to sign Cesc Fabregas in 2013, early in his ill-fated reign.
Ah… 2012-13. This was the last year that mighty United won the Premier League, as Alex Ferguson brought down the curtain on his 26-year tenure with one last title. Since then, Moyes, Ryan Giggs, Louis van Gaal, José Mourinho, Ole Gunnar Solskjær, Michael Carrick and Ralf Rangnick have been behind the wheel. It’s almost as if United’s job has become a poisoned chalice. Along with Ronaldo-gate, Ten Hag’s tray includes trying to muster an acceptable level of performance from Anthony Martial, the specter of more anti-Glazer protests and a glut of low-level centre-backs.
Not to mention that Brighton, who handed United an unforgettable 4-0 hammering at the Amex in May, arrive at Old Trafford on Sunday. Manchester United in crisis? Now that Fiver thinks about it, maybe so. Good luck, Erik.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is a reality. Racism is there. There are people who are racist who still promote the idea that having a different skin color makes you inferior… It’s hard for people who haven’t experienced racism to empathize. So you explain, you tell stories, things you’ve seen, heard, suffered.” Wolves winger Adama Traoré talks to Sid Lowe about his experience of racism and why it’s still important to take a knee.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Bournemouth Blazers, David Moyes’ new tattoos and everything going on at Everton. It’s David Squires’ team-by-team guide to the Premier League season in two parts!
Here’s hoping Seadog Potter becomes a regular. Illustration: David Squires/The Guardian
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
In the second part of Football Weekly’s big Premier League preview, Wolves fans finally get their moment, after the podders preview nine other teams, naturally.
FIVE LETTERS
“Wednesday night saw the return of the Hundreds to the cricket schedule. It made me wonder if there would ever be an equivalent in football – a version of the sport that has changed enough to upset the purists but not enough to attract new fans, a concentration of the best players on expensive contracts among a small number of elite clubs. Anyway, I see the Premier League coming back tomorrow night” – Ed Taylor.
“I would like to let Z Snook know (yesterday’s letters) that there are younger Fiver readers; I am one of them. But then again, I also enjoy old-fashioned terraces at non-league grounds and a pint before the game” – Ed Bazeley.
“Re: Ben Clay’s idea for a new Lionesses slogan: Could he reference the first three words in USWNT player Sydney Leroux’s Twitter bio?” – Steve Mintz.
“Far be it from me to correct Noble Francis, but he is wrong to suggest that ‘all right-minded people read Big Website’. In fact, it is all left-wing people” – Alan Webb.
“The new EPL season hasn’t started yet and Noble Francis has already taken home a non-prize card of the day award. Perhaps the award should be renamed the Noble Piece Award” – Alistair McGillivray.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our non-prize card of the day is…Ed Taylor.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Ahead of Crystal Palace kicking off the new Premier League season on Friday night, Patrick Vieira has encouraged the players to continue to take a stand against racism. “It’s good to keep holding the knee,” the coach said. “There’s a statement to be made and I think it’s important to continue to make it.”
After losing at Brentford last season, will there be more opening night problems in the capital for Arsenal? “It’s different. Everything that happened before that match was quite strange and unique”, insists Mikel Arteta. “We are very excited and we will try to start in the best way.”
Mikel Arteta: excited. Photograph: Paul Childs/Action Images/Reuters
Steve Cooper expects Nottingham Forest to continue spending this month. “We want to enjoy it and be the best version of ourselves,” cheered Cooper, waving a twenty-year pack at the mounted hacks. “We want to act and behave like a Premier League club.”
Everton manager Frank Lampard is testing West Ham fans’ love for him by trying to relieve them of Amadou Onana (what’s his name?), with FLE matching the accepted £33m offer for West Ham and the learner to Goodison. Not so good news for FLE: Dominic Calvert-Lewin will miss the start of the season after suffering a ‘freak’ knee injury in training.
Anthony Martial will miss Manchester United’s season opener against Brighton after picking up an injury in training. Where on earth will Erik ten Hag find another centre-forward job at such short notice?
Transfers ahoy! Carney Chukwuemeka has completed his £20m move from Aston Villa to Chelsea, while Manchester City midfielder James McAtee has joined Sheffield United on loan and Leeds’ Lewis Bate will spend the season in the League One Oxford.
And David Seaman said the Lionesses’ Euro glory left him feeling catty. “It brought back great memories, when I saw the girls it was amazing,” laughed Seaman at the National Cat Awards in London. Yes, you read that right.
David Seaman with his wife, Frankie, ready to judge some cats. Photograph: Ian West/PA
STILL WANT MORE?
Manchester United fans should expect an evolution, not a revolution, in Erik ten Hag’s first season in charge, writes Karen Carney.
Cleo Skopeliti talks to coaches and parents about the issues facing women’s grassroots football amid increased interest following England’s success at Euro 2022.
It’s the penultimate day of our Premier League previews: Southampton and Tottenham, the long wait is over.
Andy Brassell’s Bundesliga preview is underway and, spoiler alert, Bayern Munich will likely win the title.
After years of relentless links with the English top flight, Kalidou Koulibaly has finally arrived at Chelsea. Here begins his chat with Ed Aarons.
Could Erik ten Hag pull Hakim Ziyech out of the bin as Chelsea throw Frenkie De Jong on the bandwagon? The Rumor Mill checks it out.
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