Hayley* unknowingly put herself at risk of contracting an STI when the man she was having sex with removed a condom without telling her. The Queensland woman was in excruciating pain two weeks later and discovered she had contracted the lifelong virus, also known as HSV2. such as genital herpes.
One in eight sexually active Australian adults has genital herpes, but many still feel embarrassed by the relatively common virus.
Two women have opened up to 9news.com.au about their experiences living with genital herpes and how the stigma has affected them for World Sexual Health Day.
Hayley has spoken out about her HSV2 diagnosis to raise awareness of the stigma people with it face. (new)
‘She hated me, but I didn’t do anything wrong’: Hayley’s journey to acceptance
Hayley took every precaution she could to avoid contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
The 27-year-old felt extreme shame for a year after discovering she had the virus in 2016.
“I was disgusted with myself. I hated myself,” she said.
“I was so embarrassed. And I was petrified.”
I had a friend who made derogatory comments about people living with STIs, and I had heard similar views when I was in high school.
“Growing up, everyone was like, ‘Oh my god, an STI, that’s absolutely disgusting—you must be a whore.'” You would always feel that.
“That stuck in my head. I thought, ‘OK, well, that means I’m dirty. And people won’t want to be with me’.”
He always told potential sexual partners that he had genital herpes before they were even close to having sex, despite fearing the backlash he would receive.
Their fear was not unfounded, with one man replying: “This is disgusting.”
However, there were two sides to the spectrum.
About 1 in 8 sexually active Australian adults have genital herpes. (new)
Another man she dated helped her realize that having the virus was not unusual and certainly not something to be ashamed of.
“I actually did the research, I did the work on myself and I told myself that what happened was not my fault,” she said.
“What happened obviously couldn’t have been avoided. I’m not ashamed now… I shouldn’t be. I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Negative reactions to STIs often come down to a lack of education, she said.
Hayley accepts that not everyone will want to have sex with someone who has herpes, but has urged people to be respectful when communicating.
People who make assumptions about someone’s actions or values because they have herpes need to realize that they have no idea about that person’s situation, she said.
“For example, I was sexually assaulted. I didn’t think that was going to happen,” the Queensland mother said of the hacking incident.
Herpes is incurable, but it can be treated. (Queensland Government)
“I was careful. I made sure we were using protection and I still ended up getting it,” he said.
Hayley has been “very, very open” to women’s social media groups to help break the stigma and encourage others to get support.
“I want to use my knowledge to help other people in this situation.”
She has spoken to up to 70 other women who believe they have HSV2 who also shared their initial fears about acceptance and stigma.
“People just need to stop being ashamed,” she said.
“The stigma has to stop because this virus is not going away anytime soon.
“They’ve been around for many, many, many, many years, and now we have treatment for it.”
Hayley now has a family with a partner who fully accepted that she had genital herpes when they first started dating and contracted it willingly.
‘He knew but didn’t tell me’: betrayal led to infection
Amy*, a woman from New South Wales, contracted HSV2 after having unprotected sex with a friend of several years whom she trusted completely.
He knew he had the virus and didn’t tell her.
When she suggested they go get a condom, he said, “No, no, we’re fine.”
Amy caught genital herpes from a friend who lied to her. (Getty)
“It was just the heat of the moment and it was over. And now I have an STI for life,” she said.
“We could have gotten a condom. For him to do that was heartbreaking.”
The instant feeling of betrayal was soon overcome by shame.
“I was super embarrassed and disgusted with myself,” she said.
The 24-year-old was also aware of the “massive stigma” surrounding HSV2.
“I’ve heard a lot of opinions from uneducated people who think that if you get an STI you must be a slut or dirty and you’ve done it wrong.
“They don’t care about the circumstances surrounding contracting HSV2. They just hear the result and pass judgment from there.”
Amy has told a few people close to her about her condition, but is afraid to reveal it in most scenarios.
Herpes can cause painful blisters. (Queensland Government)
“It’s 2022, but people still think having an STI is disgusting,” she said.
“A lot of times I don’t want to say I have it because they look at you like you’re nothing.”
She said STIs “shouldn’t be a stigmatized thing” given that many people have one, many who don’t even know it.
“It’s so common,” she said.
Amy is grateful to have a partner who unreservedly accepts that she has HSV2. He made an informed decision to be with her and now the two share a family.
He made sure to reveal to her that he had the virus to give her the choice she never had.
HSV2, or genital herpes, is an incurable sexually transmitted infection.
It is a type of the herpes simplex virus (HSV), which is spread through close contact with a person who has the infection.
The other type of virus, HSV1, tends to cause cold sores, affecting the mouth and face.
According to Health Direct, up to one in eight sexually active Australian adults have HSV2, while up to three in four Australians have HSV1.
Herpes is a lifelong condition that tends to cause painful or itchy sores and blisters that come and go, but some people never experience any symptoms.
While there is no cure, there are treatment options.
To get tested for genital herpes or to get support and treatment options, Australians can visit a GP or any sexual health or family planning clinic.
* Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved