The Dilemma At the advanced age of 80, I find it a bit strange to ask for help in meeting the expectations of a big fan. Surely at this age I should be able to fix myself. My dear husband of many years died a few years ago. Children and grandchildren have been a great consolation. I am still working and living a busy life alone.
A friend introduced me to a great widower. Before I knew what was going on, I found myself almost immediately drawn into an adventure. At first it was a bit romantic and made me feel desirable again. But, darling, I’m afraid the desire quickly faded when I found out more about her habits and how necessary she was. I discovered that he was expected to be available at all times for messages and phone calls, as well as taking him with me as a driver and helping him manage his life. He said he had fallen in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his time on earth with me. But was he in love? The answer was no. I couldn’t cope with her emotional needs and the physical side of things was very unsatisfactory. He is a funny and polite man, but totally interested and seemingly obsessed with capturing me. I run out of energy.
She has a helper and there are many local widowed ladies who bring pots to her door, so it’s not like she’s without other people in her life. I explained to him that I am not available for possession, although I am happy to be his friend. I asked him to stop. He said he couldn’t stop me from trying. I told her again carefully how I felt. I don’t want to be horrible, because a part of me feels that for him this is possibly his last hurray. I’m glad to be your friend, but no more than that.
Philippa’s answer I think you may have more, rather than less, of this problem in your 80’s instead of your 20’s or 30’s, because if you were younger you would have grown up at another time and you would know it’s not good for someone who keep bothering him after telling him to leave. But when you were older, it was a time when girls had to be, according to a children’s song, “sugar and spices and all good things,” while boys could be “slugs and snails and puppies.” You’ve had enough of a particular puppy’s tail moving around and you have to convince yourself that it’s okay not to be “all things nice”.
The culture of the ’40s and’ 50s expected women to be smiling, acquiescent, and helpful, and I think that was the soil from which you grew up. I guess in spite of that, you got a great career and equal relationships and you are loved and respected. In addition to coming from this 1950s culture, you are likely to be naturally kind, empathetic, and thoughtful, and this modus operandi may have served you well until this persistent gentleman came on the scene.
If people have a good idea of where your boundaries are and do their best not to cross them, you don’t need to explicitly define what you will and will not tolerate. Therefore, you may not have had much practice in setting boundaries. However, your friend is not following this social code, so you need to be explicit about your boundaries. You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people. You may be confused with the word “friend.” You may find it impossible to be “just friends” with a member of the opposite sex, so you’ll also need to define what friend means. If you refuse to receive the message after stating your limit, you can stop seeing it completely with a clear conscience. It seems like you have a lot of friends; you don’t need your own hurricanes to be clouded by a plague in need.
I think putting that line in the sand can be hard for you because, after 80 years, you have a lot of conditioning to overcome, so it’s much harder for you to just say, “Shit” than it would be for me, born 20 years after you. Generations after us can be even better at setting boundaries and sticking to them. I hope you never have permission to grow up to be anything but complacent. That’s fine if everyone respects themselves, but if they lack respect, those who don’t respect them have an unfair advantage.
You know he will survive because he has no shortage of helpers, but even if he didn’t, you still have no obligation to him.
The person you really need to be kind to is not someone who seems intent on ignoring your desires, but yourself.
If you have any questions, please send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk