What followed were nearly five decades of confusion, inner turmoil, and self-sabotage that eventually led to a life of addiction and two suicide attempts.
“The disease of addiction has been in my family for a long time; a lot of self-harm, alcohol,” she says.
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“[It] it started for me when I became a workaholic. And then the gambling, the drinking and eventually the drugs happened when I left the AFL. And it is something that makes me ashamed and embarrassed. So you get that shame and embarrassment of my gender dysphoria, then you get that from being labeled a transvestite, from being labeled an icehead.
“That’s still, to me, the most embarrassing part. And I struggle to deal with it because I just know where he was in the story.”
It’s hard to imagine a more unlikely scenario than an AFL player and coach coming out as a transgender woman. A talented sportswoman from an early age, Laidley, who gave 60 Minutes and The Age permission to use her former name, basically grew up in the AFL.
From the age of 17 to 48 they paid him to have a foot in his hand; first in Western Australia, where he played for the West Coast Eagles, then in Victoria, where he pulled on the blue and white stripes for the Kangaroos.
Dani Laidley (right) with former North Melbourne player Brent Harvey at a club function last year. Credit: Wayne Taylor
He was fierce on the field. Dubbed “the junkyard dog,” a term she hated, because of her all-or-nothing attitude to the game, she left it all on the football field. In a physically macho industry where every move is magnified and scrutinized, it’s impossible to fathom the mental fortitude it would have taken to suppress such a secret.
“It’s white noise,” he says now. “It stays around 24 hours a day. It’s strong and it gets to the point where you can’t live a normal life. And you can’t get over it. It was very difficult, very difficult.”
Laidley’s moments of solace during this time would come when she could lock herself away for several hours and dress in clothes, wigs and makeup that made her feel at home.
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“It was a place of peace, suddenly it was quiet,” he says. “I explain it in its simplest form. When you leave home and miss the smell of your pillow or sheets, or just the smell of home and the comforts of home. And when you’ve been away from it for too long, you get homesick. And that was … how I felt, for that period of time.”
When she occasionally worked up the courage, Laidley would go out as Dani. He would get behind the wheel and drive to a distant supermarket. She would visit LGBTQ clubs and sit with other transgender women to get everything she could about the world she desperately wanted to be a part of.
But then the siren would sound and he would be brought back to his public reality.
Laidley’s secret was revealed most publicly in May 2020, when photos of her dressed as a woman were surreptitiously taken at St Kilda police station and shared among officers on a WhatsApp group. Hours later, the images had gone viral and made front page news.
“People … saw me training as a gruff, angry senior coach. And then I deliberately went off the radar and started to make an emotional transition. Then all of a sudden he appears … with these disgusting photos,” he says .
“The photos were an invasion of privacy… I hate the words ‘come out’, why do I have to? He led a quiet life. Yes, I got lost, I went off the lane for the first time in my life. And it was very embarrassing for me. The exit, they took it.”
Laidley talks about her life on 60 Minutes. Credit: New
She was charged with stalking a former partner and drug possession, but no conviction was recorded when she agreed to be of good behavior and complete a drug rehabilitation program.
Laidley’s efforts to break free from this cycle of addiction, self-loathing and stigma have not been easy. But they have been immeasurably relieved by the support he has had around him. From his former teammates, the wider AFL community and especially the executive. And of his current partner, Donna Leckie, who shared a classroom with Laidley in Year 1 and has known her since then.
From those from whom Laidley tried to hide the most has come the unconditional love for which she is eternally grateful.
Laidley says she’s the same person she’s always been, she’s just changed her name.
She is proud of what she accomplished as Dean. She looks back on what she calls “the first phase” of her life with fondness and deep gratitude.
She doesn’t want her accomplishments, as Dean, to be erased from history. It may be hard to believe, but she says she has no regrets and wouldn’t change a thing.
Laidley’s story is not typical. Not a footballer, not a transgender woman. It is her unique story, and it takes immense courage to be at peace with it and share it with the world.
“I know there will be a few punches in the nose because the first person in any change in society usually ends up bleeding and bruised,” he says. “And if it has to be me for the next generation, it’s me. And I’m happy with that.”
Sarah Abo is a reporter for 60 Minutes Australia. Natalie Clancy produced her story.
Danielle Laidley, Truth To Tell, an exclusive interview, airs on 60 Minutes on the Nine Network, Sunday night.
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