Podcaster Jana Hocking has done a lot of embarrassing things in her life, but this particular incident after a bad breakup overwhelms them all.
When I think about the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done in my life, most of them go back to a breakup.
There was a time in my mid-20s when I had a fight with my then boyfriend. We hadn’t spoken in a few days and he was devastated.
So, in the heat of the moment, I got in my car, drove to his house, and knocked on his door, crying and begging him to come out and talk to me.
Imagine my horror when his friend left and called me back home. Gaaaaah I’m still scared as I think about getting back in the car and driving home knowing it would be the hot topic among our group of friends the next day.
Turn of the plot, we met again a week later, because the bride loves a toxic relationship.
Then there was a time when I was so nervous about seeing another ex at a party after the breakup that I decided to grab a bottle of rose with my best friend before I went there and then cornered him in the party and I did an absolute scene. I mean … everyone knows that a party is the best time to delve into where your relationship went wrong … right ?!
So it’s safe to say yes, I was “that girl”. So what about the ruptures that bring out the worst in us? It is the emotional trigger of rejection that causes a twisted part of our brain to say, “Well, let’s see how well we can self-sabotage this situation!”
I’m happy to say that reading a brilliant memoir this week comforted me. It was written by my friend Cathrine Mahoney, whom you may know as Andrew Johns’ ex-wife, but believe me, it’s so much more than that.
A brilliant podcaster and writer, she has written the most absorbing memories Currently between husbands which explores all the ups and downs of marriage and single life. A classic that shares too much like me, I’m sure I couldn’t get enough of it!
It was the first chapter entitled “My background looks very big in this” that gave me more comfort. I won’t give you too much, but let’s just say that when she received the first email from Andrew’s divorce lawyer, she made the mistake of resorting to Valium and vodka for convenience. Ugh, the results weren’t pretty, and it made me sit back and realize, “Oh, hey, I’m not the only person who has been ‘that girl’ in the middle of a breakup!”
Side note: It also reminded me that you never mix medicines with alcohol. The results are not pretty my friend, not at all pretty.
So I decided that what we really needed to do was learn how to do it right. Emotional support person. Someone reviewing your moody messages before sending them, someone monitoring how many drinks you consume on the night of the break-up (and to be fair … problems next week), someone you can call when you feel like it to contact you again.
We need a cushion between us and an ex.
Mine is in the shape of a little brunette pocket rocket, which has seen me at its worst and still loves me. It is safe to say that he has not been shocked by any of my journeys and will tell me calmly but firmly that Put. He. Phone. Down!
I can’t tell you how the game has changed for me and how I deal with triggers and emotional breakdowns. I mean a therapist is just as good, but at $ 200 for one session a week, let’s be honest, that’s not enough support!
So believe me, find someone who can convince you of this moment of self-sabotage and answer your calls crying at midnight, because they are definitely worth their weight in gold!
Oh, and for Pete’s sake, be kind to yourself when you inevitably hit rock bottom. After all, we are all human!
Jana Hocking is a podcaster and bridal type collector. | @jana_hocking
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