Shortly after 2 a.m., Helen Hurford locked herself inside a dance studio at the Crediton Sports Center. They will never be seen or heard from again, except in a trivia question like the Conservative candidate who had the largest annulled majority in the history of by-elections. In the end, the result was not even close to Tiverton and Honiton, with the Libs Democrats coming to victory by more than 6,000 votes. Nor was the Wakefield news much better for the government. With much lower turnout, Labor comfortably won these by-elections with a 4,000 majority. Happy sixth Brexit anniversary to you, Boris.
After that, things went quickly, with Oliver Dowden announcing his resignation as chairman of the Conservative party around 5:30 p.m. Something that would have been a shock to both Dowden and everyone else. Because Olly’s goal was that she had no shame. He is an unconscious man, a formerly passionate remnant who erased his own story and reinvented himself as a lifelong Brexit supporter, who was only given the job of conservative chair because he could be trusted to eat. shit and do what the convict needed. So finding that Dowden had a breaking point was a crucial moment.
Dowden announced his departure with the familiar exchange of letters with the Prime Minister. Conservatives were distressed and disappointed by recent events, he said, and someone had to take some responsibility. And considering that the Condemned was a narcissist incapable of taking charge of anything, it better be him. Which was weird, since literally no one had ever thought Dowden had been the party leader of Partygate. Or, in fact, he had never done anything. Largely because they had never heard of him. Still, never look a gift horse in the mouth and the country should win the victory. Olly is much more useful when she does nothing.
With Dowden out of the way, it was up to Dominic Raab to fill the hole the size of a party chair in the mid-morning round. Raab did not seem at all pleased to have taken out the short straw and was irritable and resentful all the time. Expect homicide rates to rise in the next 24 hours. More useful, do not walk home alone in the dark. Beware, there is a Dom.
What we achieved was Raab at his incoherent best. It is a marvel that he can manage the weekly purchases, let alone manage to get away with it as deputy prime minister. He first tried to ignore the results of the by-elections because it was no big deal. Labor and Liberals had not really won because the only thing that had happened was that fewer people than usual had voted Conservative. Yes, that’s how elections work. If you don’t get as many votes as another candidate, you don’t win. They’re not even GCSE math. Where do the intellectual Tories find such impressive? Oxbridge may need to rethink its admissions policy given the number of quarterwits it has now supplied to the cabinet.
It got worse quickly, as Dom could not give any clue as to how the government could be reformed. Especially because he has no idea. He is totally lost. He tried to make Partygate a kind of distraction, invented by the media to divert voters from big trouble, rather than a scandal made by Convict himself. He then spoke of an economy with high wages. This after the government had spent the last week urging unions to exercise wage moderation. Finally, he shrugged when the BBC’s Nick Robinson asked about Boris trying to take over the best jobs for Carrie. Presumably, this means she is a prime candidate to occupy Dowden’s former job.
Much of the rest of the morning was spent with several conservatives queuing up to pound Johnson. Almost everyone seemed to have realized that it was no longer a matter of saving Boris ’work. It was about saving theirs. The winner is now very much a serial loser and the convict would destroy them all with him. The most surreal intervention was by former Tiverton MP Neil Parish. Boris had to take some responsibility, he said. When he offers you the spiritual guidance of the man who saw tractor porn in the Commons, the game is over.
The media finally met with Boris Johnson in Rwanda, where he was attending a meeting of Commonwealth heads of government. He did not want to downplay the partial electoral defeats, he insisted. But the way forward was to minimize defeats. They were no big deal. People were just overreacting. Nothing was his fault. What he was going to do was keep disconnecting all the things he had been doing to propel the economy to the rocks. In the background, you could almost hear Nadine Dorries and Priti uttering their adoration. The sound of hands without applause.
Later in the afternoon, Johnson reappeared, this time to give a press conference. The events of the day seemed to have caught him. The bags under her eyes had darkened and darkened significantly, while the rest of her face was as pale as ever. He looked like someone who had done 10 rounds with himself and lost. Picking up two black eyes on the way. The panda of Rwanda.
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The convict began by listing some attributes of the Commonwealth that even to him did not seem very interested. I knew what was coming next. Because, even though he only answered questions from the largely government-friendly media, he was still put at risk. No one thinks his refugee plan in Rwanda is anything but a distraction. The best thing he could raise was that no court had yet considered him illegal. Morality did not seem to bother him. Then he rarely does.
Most of the questions focused on the results of the by-elections. Once again, Johnson seemed to be in denial. He was just doing the best he could, he insisted. Working tirelessly to make things better. I just couldn’t quite understand why everyone was fighting. Why they thought things were getting worse. And of course he couldn’t resign. This is what little people did. People like Dowden.
“The way forward is not to focus on personalities,” he concluded. That was delusional. Johnson’s entire career has been based on his personality. He has no policies in which he believes. It’s all about him. Except now he doesn’t like anyone anymore. They don’t even feel sorry for him. Feeling disgusted by the way they have let themselves be scammed. That they fell in love with someone who played by completely different rules. Or without rules. And now they were not in the mood to forgive or forget.
The convict left the press room. It is time for another session with President Zelenskiy. Therapist for national leaders around the world.