For more than a year since the death of Neil McIlveen, his family has been waiting for the opportunity to hold a grand reunion to celebrate his life.
When McIlveen died in Hamilton, Ontario, in May 2021, blockade measures prevented his family members from being able to perform a proper funeral service or physically comfort each other.
“When I needed to hug someone and say,‘ My God, Neil is gone, ’there was nothing, so you live a little in denial,” McIlveen’s sister Ann Marie Burnside said.
Burnside’s is one of many families that have had to mourn for the past two years, as collection limits, travel restrictions and fears of infection have prevented thousands of Canadians from being able to say goodbye. of a dying loved one or gathering to honor their life afterwards.
But as Canada moves beyond pandemic restrictions, many families, including McIlveen, are planning late memorial services for this summer.
Neil McIlveen, left, died in May 2021, during the third wave of COVID-19 in Ontario. His niece Darlene McIlveen, also pictured, says her family plans to hold a late celebration of her life next month. (Submitted by Darlene McIlveen)
“People have been in a state of mourning for two years, without having the opportunity to make their mark [loved one’s] die and celebrate his life, “said Diana Robinson, director of funerals at Celebrations of Life Toronto.
About half of its summer clients offer services for someone who died in 2020.
“These people have had this delayed grieving experience … and the effects on families can really be seen.”
Similarly, Lougheed Funeral Home in Sudbury, Ontario, holds about five memorial services each Saturday, and about half of those are for families who are making up for the pandemic delays, says managing director Gerry Lougheed.
It hurts to pause
Funeral directors say many bereaved families are discovering that their grief is no less painful now than at the time of death months or years ago.
“We recently did a service for a young gentleman who died almost two years ago, and the service was like it just happened, it was still so fresh and raw,” Kelsi Palmer of Speers Funeral Chapel told Regina.
“Even though time has passed since this person left, it really feels like the first day for those family and friends who didn’t get a chance at that time to have a proper farewell and reunion.”
During confinement, some families used video platforms such as Zoom to say goodbye to a loved one or to watch a funeral. In this photo, a mother and daughter see an online funeral service from their home in Orefield, Pennsylvania, on April 29, 2020. (Matt Rourke / The Associated Press)
This feeling is familiar to the McIlveen family. Only two relatives were able to visit him at the hospital before his death, putting a phone in his ear so the others could say goodbye.
The “gregarious and very extroverted” high school teacher had asked his relatives to have a “big party” after his death, said his niece Darlene McIlveen.
But with limited collection sizes and travel restrictions that made another of her sisters want to fly from New Zealand was a challenge, those plans were suspended, as was her family’s grief.
“Last year, it seemed like a fantasy that we’d have a big party someday … There’s this lack of closure, this ongoing mourning that happens,” Darlene McIlveen said.
Part of that closure is expected to arrive next month, when about 100 family and friends gather to remember their beloved uncle and begin letting go of the pain they have endured for the past 14 months.
“It simply came to our notice then [the party] be very tough, “Burnside said.
How the pandemic changed mourning
While many families believe it is the right time to finally cry, others believe that too much time has passed and they no longer plan to celebrate a service.
“Some people have said… ‘
But skipping a ceremony could mean losing the opportunity to heal from the pain, says Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry and palliative care expert at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, who leads a team. which investigates the effects of the pandemic on mourning and mourning. .
“Mourning does not have a clock or a calendar, it takes place in its own course, so even after the events, have an occasion where people can gather … to say,” We are here to talk about ‘that person. “Just to say what they meant to our lives can be healing.”
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Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Manitoba, says the late funerals of people who died during the pandemic could give their loved ones a chance to advance in their grief.
He says people who couldn’t stand by the bedside of a dying family member and had to say goodbye to Zoom or FaceTime instead were left with the feeling that they didn’t get a chance to provide care. and affirmation to your loved one at the end of your life.
The inability to hold a timely and appropriate funeral shortly after the death of a loved one has made it more difficult for people to move forward in their grief, Chochinov says, but holding some memorial event in person, though being late can help you move on. .
“It’s not just about hearing the words being said … but also the touch, the hugs, seeing a look in someone else’s eyes and knowing that right now, you and I are sharing this collective time together. dol “, he said. dit.
“It allows us to regain control in some way [while] we had no say in the fate of our loved one, we can make sure that person is remembered and recognized in a way that fits who he or she was in our lives. “
Mark Irvine’s family, spread across Ontario, Alberta and Scotland, has waited two years to reunite for a farewell of his father, John, who died in Edmonton in August 2020.
They planned to take their father’s remains to Rothesay, Scotland, last year, before the increase in COVID-19 cases forced them to postpone the trip twice.
“We were like, ‘in a few more months, just a few more months.'”
Now Irvine and her family have only two more weeks to wait until they fly to Scotland to rest their father and celebrate a celebration of life with their extended family.
“For my mother, it was not negotiable: it is essential that the father returns … and we will close it as it should be, and that is with my father in Rothesay.”
John Irvine, pictured here with his family, died in Edmonton in August 2020. His wife and children will travel from Canada to Scotland to celebrate a vital service celebration next month. (Provided by Mark Irvine)
Irvine says the family was lucky enough to be able to organize their trip during school holidays, leisure, and another family event in Rothesay, an example of the new level of flexibility the pandemic has brought to organizing memorial services, including how quickly. it should take place after a death.
“[Before COVID]when someone died, it was like, “Okay, we’re going to have to do something for the next few days, and I’m going to have to quit my job and get my grandchildren out of school, whatever it is.” dir Lougheed.
“Due to delays with COVID, people are now saying, ‘What is the right date for us to be hurt? “
Late Memorial Planning
Lougheed suggests that instead of choosing a random date, people choose a significant date for their memorial, for example, the wedding anniversary of the deceased.
“This is a date that will be remembered anyway. Why not use it as a day to reunite the family and say, ‘We’re going to have wedding photos, we’re celebrating this good day.’ And you know what? We’ll also laugh a lot and say, ‘Boy, look at my hairstyle 30 years ago.’ “
Another challenge for families is how to reach out to the wider community of loved ones, including friends and colleagues.
Robinson suggests using a digital invitation and support confirmation service, such as Greenvelope, which can be shared via email, social media, and text messages, and posted on community and organization websites.
When it comes to deciding the format of a service, Chochinov says people should follow their intuition and “celebrate who that person was in a way that feels authentic.”
“After a year or two, the feelings we have and the way they manifest can be very different than in the days and weeks after a death, so if you feel more like a celebration and less like a funeral, that’s perfectly fine. “