Everything was ready for an overwhelming Labor victory. A Starmer drama. The Prime Minister’s questions from Boris Johnson had been seriously hurt after 148 of his own MPs had gone against him in a vote of confidence.
A moment of extreme weakness in which The Convict’s tenuous control over his party could be brutally exposed. And one could sense that the opportunity had come to Johnson.
Standing behind the speaker’s chair before the PMQs began, he looked unusually nervous, bouncing from foot to foot distractedly as he removed the boy’s haircut. A man desperate to be anywhere but here in the House of Commons.
There was encouragement from his own side as he took his seat in the front seat, though they sounded forced and unconvincing. The Tory game is not so good for unity and it is learning the hardest way to pretend to get it.
The loudest applause came from the opposition benches. They feel like they finally have Johnson exactly where they want him. A lame duck leader, untrustworthy or loved by a country that has grown tired of the constant stream of lies and broken promises. A prankster with the face of Janus whose act has been seen through. Whose punishment is to continue to fail better and better.
Labor’s Angela Eagle did very well for her leader. We now knew what hatred of The Convict was like. And that was only within his own party. If 148 of his own deputies no longer trust him, why should anyone else? Johnson forced himself to open his bloodshot eyes and exploded.
He had had a long political career, he said, before correcting himself. In case anyone thought that this meant they were washing it. “In fact, I just started.” Several of his own deputies swallowed it. The only way many of them can tolerate Johnson remaining in office is to think that his term is strictly limited in time: that, at some point before the next election, he will automatically self-destruct.
Except Johnson really believes it. He imagines himself as one of the immortals. The definitive political change. The exceptionalist. His current spell at number 10 may end next year or so, but there’s nothing stopping him from reinventing himself.
So he didn’t like his first incarnation as prime minister? Do not you worry. He can easily give you a different one. He will be whatever you want him to be. There is no principle or person to whom you have any affection. As with all true narcissists, his only loyalty is to himself.
The convict continued. The only reason he had so many political enemies was because he had achieved so much. In fact, he would not rest until his entire party turned against him because that would mean that he had had some amazing success.
That was really delusional. The kind of thinking that makes ordinary people section for their own benefit. We are truly fortunate to have such a disconnected leader from the real world. He is hated for doing so little, not for doing so much. In almost three years, he has achieved almost nothing. Aside from going to some parties. And lie about them.
Here was the disconnected prime minister. A deconstructed chaos. Just say any old nonsense that comes to mind. Phrases started but never finished. The arrogance of a man who believes himself to be one of the best minds of his generation exposed as an ingenious medium.
All Keir Starmer had to do was step in and make the most of it. Laugh at the Tory banks for the cross they had made. They had now become attached to Johnson, mainly because the talented genetic background was so drained that no one had the IQ to imagine another leader, and they were doomed to be dragged along with him. The convict was his problem. Only them.
And yet somehow, even when he came up with the most open of goals, Starmer still managed to fail. He looked and sounded distracted. Longer breaks than an old thesp receives. Almost as if his mind was somewhere else.
He wondered if he had just heard bad news from Durham police. It would be ironic that Partygate’s consequence was that Starmer lost his job. Although I feel that some Labor MPs may not be completely dismayed. They yearn for a leader with a bit of an advantage. Who can sprinkle donkey work with star dust.
Starmer made some references to The Convict’s reduced status before moving to the NHS. Here he was on stronger ground, though his interrogation was still a little faded. Almost as if he wanted to make sure Johnson didn’t get too hurt. That was more valuable to Labor while he was still in office. If so, Starmer is smarter than he looks.
Where are the 48 hospitals Johnson had promised? You would be lucky enough to find a single A&E department that has been given a painting job. People were dying waiting for cancer treatment. Where were the doctors?
And what about Netflix’s NHS? Did this mean Transplant TV with open heart surgery as a pay-per-view? Or Deathwatch, Sajid Javid’s answer to Springwatch, in which you could bet on the first person to die in a nursing home?
Then there was Nadine Dorries’ admission that the health service had not been fully prepared for the pandemic. The secretary of culture was very excited when his name was mentioned and first tried to shout that he had never written the tweet that destroyed Jeremy Hunt, and then maybe he did, but he didn’t want them to be taken as seriously as all he really did. he wanted to let Boris know how much he loved her. “Everything) What I do, I do for you.”
Johnson was silent when Starmer spoke of a man whose mother had died waiting for an ambulance, but he wasn’t really that upset. What did the death of another person have to do with him? Instead, he started talking about how well the economy was doing. This would be the economy that the OECD fell as the second slowest in the G20. Second only to Russia. Top news everywhere.
The longer the PMQs lasted, the more optimistic The Convict became. As if he was aware that he had dodged a bullet and was determined to enjoy the moments he had left. That must have been the case at Oxford Union. Arrogant, out of touch, unbearable. He shook hands contemptuously at questions he disliked and only made promises he would never keep to his own back banks.
Meanwhile, Johnson is just moving forward. Lost in the world. Lost in his party. Lost by itself. So we continue, boats against the current, returning non-stop to the past.